It’s been a year and a half since the passing of my husband. Some people may think that’s a long time and I should be over it, others think that I should still be crying everyday since it’s only been a year and a half. We all grieve differently and the relationship you create with the one you lost is different for everyone.
Over this time I have learned a lot. I also now know that even though I live a life of joy, with a few crying moments here and there, the pain never goes away. There are memories that were created and will not be forgotten. My mind in any random moment creates flashbacks to the day that I laid on the floor helpless. You here from professional grief counselors that there will always be triggers for the rest of your life when you lose someone that close to you. I feel that life itself is the trigger. Sure, a special song plays that reminds you of that person, or you vacation somewhere that you went to before with that person. Yes, those may be triggers, but what about new places, new people you meet, new achievements in life. Its things that you didn’t do together that are the worst triggers. We experience or see new things everyday. It may be as simple as a funny commercial that you knew your spouse would have loved.
It’s those moments everyday that I want to share. It hurts that I cannot. You never forget and you never stop feeling. Everyday I wake up I say thank you for what I do have, I tell myself that I deserve to be happy, and not to ever feel guilty for focusing on me and my well being. My choice to be happy and enjoy life again has made me a much stronger woman. I know my emotions, I understand my emotions and I know its okay to feel any which way I do. I know how to stand tall and proud. I also know that I made it through one of the most painful things a human can experience emotionally. That gave me strength and independence I didn’t know I had.
There is a treasure to be found in grief. You love so deeply that you endure a pain that seems unbearable. You realize just how much you can love and how wonderful it is. You dig so deep inside for that strength to fight and find who you truly are in the process. I say that sometimes it takes being thrown to the wolves for someone to gain the knowledge who they are, the power we all possess and how much the little things mean. The best things in life are free is such a common phrase and it’s used quite frequently. I used to say yeah, yeah when I heard that. Now I say, it is so true and I feel it. It’s one thing to believe it’s true, it’s another to feel it’s true. I never fully appreciated the frees in life until now. I say thank you everyday for the amazing love I was able to have, and the small things mean the most.
For those of you who asked how I am doing, I’m doing great. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my husband. I will always love him and I cherish the life we shared. When you see me with a tear in my eye, know that I am still great and still love life. I am not depressed, or falling into depression. I am the owner of a heart that may have healed, yet is deeply scarred. It also brings me happiness to have others remember my husband. Please don’t shun away from talking about him. I haven’t forgotten about him, and sharing memories or stories let me know that you haven’t either. I feel like I can handle just about anything life want’s to throw my way with grace and ease.
I have blossomed into a strong independent woman with faith and love. I do remind myself to live for today because I am not promised tomorrow. Anything is possible.